Whose Problem Is It? Sorting out Blame and Responsibility in Relationships
In today’s society, it’s common to pass the buck by putting the blame and responsibility on others or deny that a problem even exists, especially in dysfunctional or co-dependent relationships.
When that happens, responsible people tend to get thrown off balance. If you’re one of those people, you believe in dealing with problems, rather than ignoring them or unloading them onto someone else. After all, if you own it, you can solve it, right? Under normal circumstances that would be true. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way if the problem you’re worrying about isn’t really yours to solve.
This simple game is for you if you tend to take on blame and responsibility for others to your own detriment. Especially during these times of upheaval and reorganization, it’s essential to clear out all the confusion without making it only your problem. We can find more balanced ways to come up with solutions together.
Use this mind exercise when you are:
Not clear where your responsibility lies in a given situation
- Pressuring yourself to solve someone else’s problem
- Lacking energy for your own projects
- Aware that someone is overly dependent on you
- Wanting to change the dynamics of blame and responsibility in a relationship
- Being used as a scapegoat or dumping ground for negative energy.
Directions: Confirm this is the best exercise for you with the SOS symbol.
If your efforts to solve a problem are causing you to become overwhelmed and frustrated, follow the directions for each step of this game and watch how your perspective changes! By playing, you’ll get to the bottom of what’s going on and receive constructive guidance on how to effectively come to a solution, at least for yourself.
You’ll probably feel some energy moving while you go through the exercise. That’s all right, because it means the Circles are working with your mind to unlock a fixated pattern and help you get some positive answers to your dilemma.
Once you’ve completed the game, your energy will be more your own and you’ll have a much clearer idea of what’s actually going on, including what to do about it.
Whose Problem Is It?
1. While looking at this Circle, think of a problem or plan that‘s bothering you.
What is it specifically that bothers you about this situation?
Have you experienced this problem before?
Mind Body Integration
Feel free to move at anytime in any way to help you embody your experience!
2. Answer “yes” or “no” to these questions about what’s happening:
“Is this my problem?”
“Is it a projection that’s coming from elsewhere?”
“Is it something I’m projecting on myself?”
“Am I projecting this problem onto someone or something else?”
If you are dealing with any projections, you can use this Circle to help you burst them, just like a bubble or lots of little bubbles.
After all, projections are just illusions and don’t really exist, so why waste your precious time and energy on them?
3. Continue answering “yes” or “no” to these questions about your true relationship to this problem:
“Is this my problem?”
“Is it a problem I’m taking on for someone else?”
“Am I obsessing or worrying over something that I have no control over?”
“Is this just a troublesome habit that I keep rerunning in my head?”
Additional questions you can ask yourself:
“Am I taking what others say and do (or don’t say and do) personally?”
“Am I being respectful to myself in this situation?
How about being respectful and understanding of others?”
“What is my part in this situation and how can I handle it?”
4. How is this problem affecting you?
If it’s having a negative affect, release any unconscious agreements you may be holding. You can change them by imagining you can tear up old contracts or burn them up in a violet flame like these:
“I release the agreement that I don’t matter or that I have no choice in this situation.”
“I release any unconscious agreements to be rigid or keep repeating harmful habits.”
Replace those agreements with some new agreements:
“I respect and take good care of myself.”
“I exist, and what I say and do matters.”
“I decide to express my needs and cooperate with others in finding genuine solutions.”
Are there any other agreements you would like to change or update?
5. It could be that you’re tapping into a recurring pattern of control or traumatic stress that’s blocking positive energy.
Relax into this symbol and imagine you can close up destructive energy channels between you and all that negative energy.
“I close down all harmful energy channels from the past.”
“I close them down because they aren’t helping anything.”
Next, open up to more hopeful and beneficial energy.
Gather up your newfound awareness and imagine you can plug it into the center of this symbol for improved communication.
“I am open to receiving generative life force available to me in the present.”
Take a few minutes to feel more centered with more positive energy flowing through you, both crossed and uncrossed over the midline of your body.
6. Now it’s time to turn your attention towards possible solutions to the problem.
Make a choice to be in charge of your decisions and how you respond to this problem:
“I am in charge of what I do in this situation.”
“What new decisions do I need to make about myself?”
“What decisions do I need to make about others?”
“What decisions do I need to make about this situation?”
If you feel stuck, use the Circle to unstick and remove mental obstacles from your thinking process so you can do your best in this situation.
See if you can get all the gears in your mind moving together.
7. In order for you to be more objective, dissolve any mental or emotional blueprints that may be contributing to the problem.
Gaze softly at this symbol and allow the patterns to dissolve like dark clouds hanging overhead:
“I dissolve the blueprints for internalizing and taking on other people’s problems.”
“I release the patterns of confusion or putting too much pressure on myself.”
“I dissolve my tendencies to project problems onto myself or others.”
Take all the time you feel you need for the patterns to dissolve into pure sunlight and clear, blue skies. Feel free to move around until the heaviness is completely gone.
“I release the fear of failure and being too hard on myself.”
Please note: Never send destructive energies into the Earth, she already has too much to handle now. Use the Earth for planting seeds of health, happiness and life – not illness, unhappiness and death!
8. Take a few minutes to look at this Circle for courage and determination. Imagine that you can surround yourself with a sphere of protection. These affirmations will help:
“I am protected and in charge of my own space.”
“I allow others to be in charge of their own space and handle their own problems.”
“I can easily deal with my problems with courage and determination.”
Are there any aspects of your Essential Self that need to be encouraged to take care of this problem with respect – both for yourself and for others?
If you have a copy, use The Essential Human manual to help you make simple corrections. Ask for numbers between 1 – 42 and make corrections to each number chart in the order they come to you.
9. What does your heart want to tell you about this situation?
Keep looking at the Circle and ask yourself this question until you hear a clear answer.
“My heart is telling me to ________________________.”
Let that quiet voice of your intuition give you answers to simple questions.
Include the basics like, who is involved? What is going on? Where is it happening? When is it happening? Why is it happening and what is its purpose?
What and how would I best respond to this situation?
10. Take a few moments and see yourself letting go of other people and their problems.
“I surrender other people’s issues, karma and emotions.”
“I send them to wherever they need to go to heal.”
Once that feels complete, call back what ever belongs to you.
“If I own it, I can resolve it. I call back my resources so that I can set things right.”
11. Now it’s time to get centered and ask yourself this question:
“What is the most important thing I can do to take care of myself?”
Take the very first answer that comes to you, then place your answer in the center of the Circle like a bull’s eye.
Imagine you can send your attention and energy directly to your answer and then allow the energy to return to you.
Do that for several rounds to start a new pattern.
12. Finish the exercise by asking your Inner Wisdom for some good advice:
“What will help me to follow through on making
a positive difference in this situation?”
Congratulations! Being realistic about whose problem it is and what you can actually do about it is often the missing piece to coming to a resolution.
Now would be a great time to relax and contemplate the advice you have given yourself. Take a walk if you can to help you integrate your thoughts.
Please note: Self-care Formula #4 Grounding in Your Power and Truth will often deepen your conviction and ability to follow through.
About the Author
Rheanni Lightwater CHT, CKT lives and practices in Santa Fe, NM and has 25+ years experience in the art and science of mind body healing. Contact her for a private session if you want more help sorting out your relationships.
Ms. Lightwater’s mission is to assist people in creating healthy balance and harmony in their lives through energy medicine, hypnotherapy and feng shui clearing. Sessions are available online or when you visit Santa Fe. Contact her at 505-271-4612 MST or email: [email protected].
Whose Problem Is It? should not be considered as an exclusive method of treatment. The appropriate medical or psychotherapeutic authorities should be consulted for the diagnosis and treatment of any medical or psychological condition. The information and practices described on this website are best considered as an adjunct to orthodox medical or psychological treatments.